Indeed Christmas was better for me this year, compared to the past first 2 Christmases away from the Philippines. When the prospect of marrying a foreigner and living in a foreign land for good slowly concretized I thought that I wouldn't really have that much an issue with homesickness compared to other filipinas leaving home for the first time since, although I come from a close-knit family, I've had around 16 years of practice doing that since college.

Left photo: the christmas tree and grab bag gifts underneath it at John's house yesterday was the center of around 15 eager kids' attention.

Sure after the third month here in the US I shed a couple of tears here and there, especially when I see photos of my nephews and niece but I was still proud of myself. I'm doing pretty good, or so I thought. Clearly, I wasn't prepared for the american Christmas. Let me tell you, I bawled my eyes out the last 2 holiday seasons. Never was feeling like an outsider in this country more felt than in this season. It has nothing to do with the people around me here, I couldn't ask for a better family, friends and officemates but it was more like being thrown into a choir singing a familiar song but to an entirely different tune. I was out of my element.

What makes it different? First, we all know Christmas season here doesn't start until after Thanksgiving. I am totally fine with that. Then there's not much Christmas activity. In the Philippines I would save 10 days of time-off and spend 2 consecutive weeks in my hometown. But before leaving Manila there would be office Christmas party, then the department Christmas party, and attending another friend's office party, and another christmas party among Manila friends etc. Not to mention going out shopping together at the tiangges (christmas fair) in Virra Mall every lunchtime or after officehours with my officemates (how's that for bonding?). When I arrive in my hometown, I can expect that day friends will be coming over to fetch me to have lunch or dinner party to this and that friend for either Christmas, birthday or no-occasion. And have I mentioned my relatives? How about that batch reunion we seem to have yearly? Or just taking a joyride and seeing the lights at the other town? For the entire stretch of 2 weeks, I will be out of the house by 10am and be back in the wee hours in the morning. 12 midnight would be pretty early.

So December 2003 here I was in the US, without any friends nearby, without work, I was feeling very isolated and alone except for my husband. On the 23rd I went grocery shopping at Jewel's and the grocery clerk greeted me "happy holidays", I was startled to realize that indeed it was only 2 days away before Christmas and here I was buying groceries that wasn't even meant for noche buena (traditional midnight 'feast') but just dishwasher soap, some milk and other everyday stuff (I knew it wasn't anything too heavy because I didn't drive yet). Although we got invited to Mike's family party during Christmas Eve, still it wasn't the same. We did have Tom's entire family party during Christmas party which I felt I was a part of. But out of the entire December I was used to feeling the peak of the holiday spirits back in the Philippines, here there was only that one day. Tom playing the Charlie Brown CD with children singing made it worse.

December 2004 there wasn't much any difference although I was working at this time. This was the year when Mike asked his brother if we did any Philippine christmas tradition in our house and Tom looked at me at the corner of his eyes and told Mike ruefully that the only tradition that I do was to cry during this day. As I've said, uncontrolled sobbing from the chest was more like it. Poor Tom. This was also the year that I made him promise that we were going to spend the following Christmas in the Philippines. But something happened that made us change our plans. If you're good, I just might tell you about it.

What made my Christmas this year better was that, I became busier and more involved. There was all the cooking I did for the potluck and treats. There was the meeting up of the other fil-west couples. The other day during my day off instead of sitting around the house and moping I volunteered to go out shopping for the kids gifts at Toys R Us which was a pretty brave thing for me to do on December 23rd, I pretty much put myself in the middle of a mob scene (it wasn't really that bad considering). Then I spent a considerable time gift wrapping them. I also think my winter walks helped. Christmas Eve Tom and I went out for dinner at Wolfgang Puck and I had a sinful dessert of Chocolate Truffle Cake with ice cream which I do not recommend since I found it too sweet.

Then we did a first, attended the midnight mass which had snacks afterwards and I saw a filipino couple involved in the church activities. That made me thought of joining the choir so that next Christmas when this happens again Tom and I will know other church members. Coming home from church though I pointed out to my husband the obvious difference to Christmas here. I was eerie for me that we were driving in empty streets in the middle of the city at 12:00am Christmas Day. You see, in the Philippines, the streets would be jampacked with people from the Midnight mass, laughing, noisy - there would be firecrackers, cars honking and possibly with clanging tin cans tied behind them. There was none of that night.

When we got home I opened my presents I got from friends. Another first for me, for a long time I never waited for Christmas to do so.

So Christmas Day off we went to John's house to be with Tom's baranggay (community) like family of almost 30 immediate members. It was always great seeing them. I got a surprise homemade gift from my nieces Maggie and Ginny, just especially for me. It was funny seeing the kids surrounding the christmas tree with their gifts for the most part of the half day we were there. I got the Oprah DVD, the Artist Magazine subscription, A Christmas Story DVD (they were shocked I mentioned last Thanksgiving that I haven't seen this American classic yet, and am amused that they remembered) and the L'Auberge Espagnole DVD from my secret santa niece Katie who is a french lit major. 

I have also displayed all the Christmas cards we received on our window sills. I still have to get the hang of sending out Christmas cards. Surprisingly this is part of Tom's holiday ritual. He said that he is including all my friends' address in his database for next year. I wanted to take a photo of them, but as expected we had downcast skies the last few days so I don't have sufficient lighting for a good picture. But to all of you who sent me cards and greetings many thanks for the thought and hope you had a Merry Christmas, in the truest sense of the word!

Currently listening to: Los Lonely Boys' "Heaven"
Currently reading: Chronicles Of Narnia (C.S. Lewis)
Currently watching: 20 Years Oprah DVD collection