I did an emergency call. Another Ob-Gyne had to see me. I had an ultrasound. There was nothing inside my womb. I found that really strange. It was the first time I heard of such a case. The doctor told me that what I had was a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum is when a fertilized egg fails to develop after the implantation but the body still thinks it's pregnant and goes on to exhibit all the symptoms of being pregnant. I later would learn that I was far from an isolated case. In fact 50% of miscarriages is a blighted ovum. This might be what many women would think of as just a delayed period followed by heavy bleeding could actually be a miscarriage.

A more sophisticated ultrasound confirmed the doctor's initial diagnosis. I had a 9 week old sac in my tummy but no fetus. When I was told this and saw the image on the screen, my feelings were as empty as that sac. My Ob then gave me 3 options on what to do next, have my body expel the sac naturally, take a pill to accelerate the expulsion or opt for a surgery, a D&C. She said the advantage of the surgery is that things will be gotten over with faster. I didn't exactly know what that statement really meant until much, much later.

The surgery was scheduled for Friday, almost a week after I was first told of the bad news. So I had to get time-off and tell my boss what happened. Before this, it was only Tanya who knew of my pregnancy. We were thrilled to be pregnant at the same time then. I was supposed to be ahead of her by 2 weeks. Apparently, that wasn't meant to be.

I was told to wear loose fitting clothes for the D&C. I was an ambulatory patient. The procedure was going to be done at 8:30 and by 11:30 I should be home. As I was wheeled to the operating room by a nursing aide who was in scrubs, I jokingly told my husband in the hallway that I felt like I was in those "imported" hospital shows I sometimes catch on tv. But underneath my bravado was a feeling of regret, the hospital scenario could have been a happier occasion for us.

When I woke up I was still inside the OR and the doctors were just wrapping up. Twenty minutes, that's all it took. I felt suprisingly refreshed. It was the best sleep I had since childhood. I was told I shouldn't drive or make important decisions for the next couple of days. I was lightheaded for the most part at home but otherwise I was almost normal. It took me 3 days before I was confident enough to drive back to work.

Going through the motions of working was like being inside a dark tunnel I had to slowly inch through. Eventhough I was glad that only a couple of people in the office knew what happened still there was this ovewhelming urge to scream at my officemates that I wasn't fine and life was so unfair. I have been counting the days when it was appropriate to send out an inter-office memo about my exciting baby news, instead I had to pretend that it was just business as usual for me.

A day or two later, I was snapped out from my self-pity when I opened my Lotus Notes inbox, the husband of my team mate Kathy died of cancer. The following day another officemate Mike had a heart attack. This made me look at my situation in a different perspective - what happened to me wasn't really that bad. I still have my husband, I was in good health and the doctor didn't find anything that foretold I wasn't going get pregnant again. It was an unfortunate circumstance, but it just might mean that we will have to wait a little longer before we will have a baby.

2 weeks later I went back to the clinic for a follow-up, my doctor asked me if we planned to wait for a couple of months before trying again or did we want to do it right away. I told her, "ASAP" or words to that effect.

to be continued...

Evan's new toy is the mobile from the Pack N' Play given to him by uncle Phil and aunt Mary Pat which I had only unpacked yesterday. Tom and I both love this portable playard. So glad I decided to use it since 2 more pounds more and Evan will exceed the bassinet's weight limit. Evan at 9 weeks. 

Soapy Steak

Last week Tom and I had steak which I had cooked on our George Foreman grill for dinner. It tasted weird like...soap? Uh-oh. "Hon, I think there might be soap on our steak," I warned my husband. Tom gave me a puzzled look. "I used a new scour pad to clean the grill and it might be one of those things where it had built-in soaps I didn't know about." Tom took 2 bites and announced that he couldn't even taste the difference. Thank goodness for that. While I on the other hand sliced off the edges to get rid of the soapy sides.

Currently listening to: Five For Fighting's The Riddle
Currently reading: Chicago Parent Magazine
Currently watching: Casanova (Heath Ledger)