Just like the first time it was hard going back to work. My boss did tell me if I wish to take a leave for as long as I want, I could do it. However, to me working will only be more valuable and keep me from brooding over the unfortunate event. I was touched by her generous offer although I chose not to accept it.

Again Tanya was the only one who knew of my second pregnancy aside from my boss. I initially avoided going to her cube because I was afraid I would break down when I relay to her what happened. But a couple of days later we bumped into the hallway and the inevitable happened, she asked me how I was doing. I was only glad that we didn't have the privacy of her cubicle or else there would've been 2 weeping women in the office that day.

Tom was very concerned about me, especially as he said, "seeing Rohan here everyday." Actually, having my brother and Rohan around made it easier (and what do you know, there are times that Evan's look would remind me a lot of Rohan). I did admit to Tom I would feel like wailing in the middle of the night like Rohan when he got sick. I also admitted that I felt a twinge of resentment when I look at pregnant women who I didn't know, or mothers with young kids. This feeling were reserved for strangers though, I couldn't begrudge family and friends for that blessing.

It's hard to tell if the second time was emotionally painful than the first. Fetus or no fetus the degree was the same to me. I am just thankful that I didn't have any connection or attachment to it. For me what was flushed down the toilet wasn't a dead baby but a wasted 3 months of anticipation and excitement. It was more of an overwhelming feeling of frustration, disappoinment and fear that we might not be capable of having a child rather than mourning of a dead one.

The second time took longer to get over with because Tom and I couldn't get started on having the third project right away. It took my body 2 and a half months to lower the pregnancy hormones down to a negative. Every 2 weeks I had to have blood drawn for a test. I have developed a slight fear of the needle because of this (one time, a filipino nursing aide poked me 6 times before he could find the right vein). If I had a D&C this wouldn't have happened. But then again, reading a pregnancy book later on I found out that a history of a D&C could be a cause for a miscarriage too.

When I had a miscarriage the first time, I read differing opinions about when it was safe to try getting pregnant again. Some said to wait for at least 3 months. Some, soon as the body is ready. The latter was echoed by my Ob-Gyn. So maybe those pregnancy hormones taking 2 months to disappear was a sign that my body needed to rest.

My how he has grown! When asleep (and stretching) he bears a striking resemblance to his cousin Rohan. Taken at the park by the lake yesterday where he had his 6:30pm meal. Evan with Ed at 10 weeks.

Three Is A Charm
4 months after the second time, I was pregnant with Evan. 2 weeks after finding this out, while seated on the sofa one night an image of a boy flashed in my mind. I told Tom we were going to have a son (we initially hoped for a girl).

Before these discontinued pregnancies happened to me whenever I would hear about a friend or a acquiantance having a miscarriage I would view it as short of a tragedy. It is interesting how my view has changed when it happened to me. Surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Some might say it's easy for me to say this because I now have Evan. But they should also remember that I've had it worse than others, I had 2 miscarriages and was pregnant for both a few days short of 3 months. Although I do acknowledge that there are other women who've had it worse than what I had too. I could only admire their strength.

I think what made a difference for me was the unwavering confidence I was going to have a child soon and it was just a matter of time (the confidence comes in part of us being from a big family). In fact, I was telling Tom that I was willing to give it a try 4 times, if nothing comes after that then we would live the life of a childless couple to the fullest and be happy with it.

Having Evan with us now, he certainly was worth the wait and everything that came with it. If I knew what I know now about having a child would I go through it all over again? Most definitely.

The Unswadding Of Evan

The moment I dreaded has finally happened and it was surprisingly painless too. Tom has always been vocal about not being keen on swaddling although he does acknowledge its being effective of giving our son (and us) a long good night's sleep. Last Saturday (4 nights ago) in Madison Tom put Evan to bed. 5am I checked on our son and I was surprised to see him sleeping very peacefully and both his arms deliciously up beside his arms sans the SwaddleMe. I almost felt like pinching myself in disbelief. He still slept his usual 8 hours (woke up at 7:30). Been unswaddled for 4 days now, and hopefully, counting.

Currently listening to: crickets
Currently reading: Truman Capote's In Cold Blood
Currently watching: Casanova (Heath Ledger)