Ed's blog about John and Lydia, an american who met a filipina through an internet dating site, brought to mind the failed and/or tragic marriages I  have come across in the fil-west forum I frequented in my previous life. Generally marriages to a foreign pen-pal in the Philippines are considered good fortune especially among lower class families but it is also regarded with concern and skepticism as to the real intention of this foreigner to his filipino bride. Most common being the husband taking out life insurance for his unsuspecting wife and eventually murdering her. Although this fear is not unfounded however cases this extreme do not really happen as often as it is preceived to be. Filipinas currently engaged, corresponding or thinking about finding a spouse abroad in cyberspace should be aware that there are other ways that could get their lives messed up that might be more likely than the prospect of getting murdered. 

In the more than 2 years that I was a member of that forum three stories stood out, one was a filipina who got married to an american to the Philippines after he went there to meet her the first time for a 2 week visit. A week after the wedding he went back to the US and was never heard from again. If they didn't get married and he dumped her it would have been humiliating and painful for that woman but she could try again. But now she's married and has to get an annulment which she most likely can not afford. The louse probably thought that might as well marry her so he can have sex to make up for the huge expenses he has incurred with the plane fare and all.

photo: a free magazine I picked up at our grocery. I showed it to Tom. The following day our house was spic and span without my bidding. Coincidence?

The second filipina came to the US on a fiancee visa and shortly married her fiance who barely could make ends meet even if he was working 2 jobs. So much so that she was forced to work illegally to come up with the money that was necessarry for them to apply a working visa for her and AOS (needed to be a conditional immigrant) fees of which costs around $400.

The third case was a filipina married for nine years to a high school teacher, went back to the Philippines the first time only to find out she can't go back to the U.S. because all the while her husband didn't apply to change her status to immigrant while she was lead to believe that everything was in order. She was living in the U.S illegally the whole time. The teacher then took her hard earned money then proceeded to divorce her, what's worse is that she has a 9 year old daughter with him who she most likely might never see again.

Of course it went both ways, there were americans who were duped by filipinas for money and/or for the visa too. A couple of men were brave enough to post in the forum their misfortune of bringing over their brides to this country only to have the women make wild accusations so that they can divorce them. There were also a few who found out late in the game that their fiancees/wives were still married or already have children.

When my aunt got wind of me getting serious with an american who I was corresponding to through emails, she helpfully offered to have him investigated by her husband's cousin who also lived in Chicago.  I was amused at the idea of the seemingly harmless (and indeed it turned out that he was) Tom having his records checked. I was confident that I was perceptive enough and had the common sense to distinguish OK guys from those who were bad news like: How to spot a liar? Look for inconsistencies. How to spot a perv? A guy who asks if you're a virgin on his first email would be good candidate (for the record Tom never asked me that question).

But it wasn't until I came and have lived here was I able to fully realize the enormity of the risk I took in flying over 8,000 miles alone in this huge country to live with a man I have only met twice although we have known each other through phone calls and emails for 3 years. Even if I have grown up in a westernized country and is very familliar with the US it was still very different from my expectations.

I remember us doing a pit stop in the middle of nowhere during a trip to Madison, I told Tom I would have never known if I was going to get stuck in a place like that should the circumstances been different. I have always said I was a country girl by heart and introvert by nature so I wouldn't have any problem living in a farm, but the farms in america are so unlike from those in the Philippines. A next door neighbour could be practically 5 miles away or more (it's like from my hometown to Ipil). With a husband working all day how would a filipina, who grew up with people coming in and out of the house, handle the isolation?

Another forum member, a nurse, who was assigned in a far flung impoverished small town shared that most cases they had were liver diseases because of alcohol abuse. She said living in the place she could understand why those people would resort to the bottle as a means of escape from their situation.

Filipinas should keep in mind that it is not enough that their fiances are sincerely in love with them and they are of good character, which is of course also very important in a marriage. But marrying a person outside of a country will have other factors involved that could affect the success of the marriage aside from the genuinness and the traits of the two parties.

There is the financial situation, can he support another person (you)? Remember that when a filipina comes over on a fiancee visa she will not be able to work at least 5 months because she will need to apply a work permit and/or adjust her status first. Is he aware that he might have to send financial support to family back in the Philippines, balikbayan boxes or buy plane tickets for a visit back home (which costs a pretty penny), it is only fair for both parties to know the answer to this before commiting themselves to a serious relationship. Does he work 2 or 3 jobs? Because it will mean that you won't see each other often. What debts does he have, what debts do you have? This will give you a clue on how he handles money which could seriously affect the state of your marriage especially here in the U.S. when a person who earns $8 an hour could still end up homeless. This is not Philippines even if you are earning the minimum wage you still have a roof above your head because of the support of extended families. Does he have health insurance, will you have health insurance? Getting seriously ill or in an accident without one could throw you out in the streets.

Then there is his relationship to other people. Is he close or not talking to his family? Does he have friends or just spends most of the time in the internet or playing video games? There are cases of filipinas who end up resenting their husband's obsession with the monitor. It's bad enough to be plucked away from their friends and family only to be relegated in the background for a virtual world. What's the point of having a marriage? Does his ex-wife still have a role in his life? Can you handle a situation where they will still have to keep in touch with each other when there are children involved sensibly?

What's his attitude towards watching porn? Are you comfortable with it? Because there are filipinas who only find out by their husband's hobby when they are here and are upset by this. What about your religion? Will he be supportive to you about it? If you can't drive will he drive you to your church on Sundays? Or are you okay in attending his church?

The questions are endless and some of the ones I've mentioned may seem too obvious but I was surprised at the many basic things a lot of filipinas don't know about their spouses when they arrive to live in the same house with them.

During Tom's second visit to the Philippines I was mad when he related to me 2 middle-aged and "well meaning" balikbayans who were seating beside him on the plane warned him against his filipina penpal/girlfriend, even went on as far as to say that in the Philippines they even have a handbook as a guide on how to snare foreigner penpals. If there was, they might have sold it in the black market because in my 30 something years living there I never came across such. On the other hand having a book like that might not be such a bad idea but it will be more along the lines of "what to expect of a fil-west marriage" for filipinas with the subtitle "the grass is not always greener on the other side".

Currently listening to: Sarah Mclachlan's "Surfacing"
Currently reading: French Women Don't Get Fat (Mireille Guiliano)
Currently watching: Supernanny